I hate them. Those cutesy, clever phrases that people plaster all over otherwise perfectly good boats never fail to make me grimace with pain and reach for the nearest six pack to ease my suffering. I know that I will anger many boat owners after they read this. I can only hope that there are others that share my feelings and will come to my defense if things get ugly.
Ask anyone that has wasted their time and money naming their boat if they also decided to name their car. You’ll probably find yourself at the receiving end of a blank stare. Why would anyone name a car? Well I can’t figure out why anyone would feel it necessary to name their boat. And if you feel it necessary to deface your property, there are certain guidelines. Boats must meet a minimum size requirement in order to be named. There are no technical specifications, but I’ve seen a few courageous souls push this to the limit. Yes, it’s very silly to name your jon boat. If your boat isn’t large enough to allow the name to be super-sized on the transom, then you must buy a larger boat. But now you face another dilemma. You can’t carry the name over so you have to be creative again and go through the grueling process of finding a new cutesy annoying name. Or do you? Hell no. Just add the Roman numeral II after it. Problem solved. If you stumble across a name that you like better and would like to change; too bad, you lose. Everyone knows that it’s bad luck to re-name a boat. Rich and famous actors and performers always change their names all the time and it doesn’t seem to bring bad luck. I say, re-name it. The biggest problem people face when picking out a name for their boat is the competition. My goodness! It is a given fact that the snobbier the yacht club (meaning the ones I’m never invited to)your rank is determined by the severity of the play on words used in your name as opposed to whether you are a Harvard or a Yale man.
While hanging out at the local marina, I discussed my feelings with a fellow boater that is not as cynical about such matters as I am. He suggested that I seek counseling in order to find the root cause of my harsh feelings and in doing so find a path to inner peace which would grant me the strength to perhaps render a moniker of my own. I was skeptical at first but after a couple of beers in the warm sun, I agreed to give it a try. After searching the marina for at least five minutes, I came across this wise looking crusty old salt that reminded me of the Gorton’s fisherman on the packages of those world famous fish sticks. Maybe it was because he saw the remains of the six pack under my arm, but after explaining my situation he readily agreed to help in spite of my comparison of his appearance to a package of frozen fish sticks.
We found a quiet spot on the dock that afforded us with a tremendous view of a dozen or more boats with incredibly annoying names. We began to probe the deep dark recesses of my childhood to see if my condition could have been caused by my mother. Let’s face it. Almost every imaginable problem in life can be traced back to early childhood and blamed on your mother. That must be it. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find any connection. That let my mom off the hook. Oh well. We examined every nuance of my nautical past. Nothing. It wasn’t my mom’s fault. It wasn’t because I didn’t own a sport cruiser or was never allowed near a yacht club. What was it? As I wiped of the last few drops of beer that dribbled down my chin, it hit me. It was as though I just had the largest strike in my life and my line was free spooling out of control. I had reached enlightenment.
It is because I have a general distaste for silly, clever, cutesy names that appear on anything, not just on boats! Why do race horses have to have clever names like Seattle Slew, Bold Ruler, or Hallowed Dreams? Why can’t they have normal names like Ed? My brain reeled. Why must greyhounds be given stupid names? How could anyone name a perfectly good dog Molotov, Wigwam Hoss or Blazing Desire? (That one really makes me wonder). All these names are real, I’m not making this up. My dog was named Ralph. What’s wrong with that?
I thanked Mr. fish sticks for his guidance in helping me find the cause of my problem but it didn’t change anything. I still had an overwhelming aversion to cutesy names. Fellow boaters that are foolish enough to defend this practice are usually quick to point out that the ancient tall ships that braved the oceans of years ago had names. I admit that this is a fact that cannot be disputed, but let’s put this in perspective. Those ships bore proud manly names such as; The Endeavor, Revenge, The Cutty Sark, HMS Victory, The Bounty and of course the S.S. Minnow. How anyone can compare those to names like Just Plane Fun, Sight To Sea, My Assests In The Water is beyond my comprehension. Can you image a Spanish Galleon sailing majestically across the Atlantic bearing a name like Second Wind? How about No Where To Blow or My Pie Rates? I cringe at the mere thought.
The reason that this is a major life crisis for me is that BoatU.S. just released their list of the top ten boating names for 2004. As much as it pains me, and it pains me a lot, out of respect for my fellow boaters I will break down and print the list.
Aquaholic
Island Time
Hakuna Matata
Happy Hours
Fish Tales
Liberty
Seas The Day
Freedom
Ohana
Summer Wind
I will try to be a good sport and congratulate those whose names were among the top ten. It’s painfully obvious that I’m in the minority and will never have enough backing to ban this practice or convince the government to tax it out of existence. It won’t be easy but I guess the best thing for me to do is to shut up and just grin and bear it. Hey wait a minute! I just felt a shiver run down my spine. Maybe that’s what I’ll name my boat; Grin And Bare It!! What do you think?
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